Hey it's July and the only things happening with the Blues are the signing of Steve Wagner, a new Web site for the team and the contract issues with Roman Polak. Riveting, I know.
So for the rest of the summer, we're going to have some fantasy drafts, but not the kind you're probably thinking of. You'll see.
For the first installment, I've asked many of the writers who help keep the content flowing around here to pick a person to start building a hockey team around. They can be in their prime and they don't even have to be a hockey player. Most of the first picks probably have never played in their lives. You'll see. Go down below for the first picks. Then make your own in the comments. Don't pick a person who has already been chosen and feel free to critique any of the picks in front of you. Please wait for 10-15 picks before going again. It's only fair. We'll see how long this lasts and we'll have another topic next week.
With the first pick, I select in his prime Mike Tyson. The guy was strong as a bull, had quick reflexes and was a mean motherfucker. No one on the other team would start crap with my guys. They'd be afraid of dying on the ice. Plus late in his career he would have been batshit crazy and wouldn't even need to fight. "You highstick my teammate, I eat your children. Praise be to Allah!"
Now you see where we're going.
Hildymac selects from North Korea, Kim Jon IL. "He's tiny... scrappy - I would think that he'd either be a Marty St. Louis guy or a Jordin Tootoo type. He'd zip along, no one'd pay attention to him because he's a midget, and then out of nowhere - BLAMMO. He just smacks one in the net. Everyone on the ice probably was paying more attention to those Russians out there to really notice him zipping up the sides. Or, well, he could just skate around, making bitchy threats and being annoying, distracting people from real issues. At least until someone has enough and just knocks him into the benches. But while he's doing that, some guy like Chavez could build up some awesome play to score, and you let him, because you were too annoyed by some little Wishkin Troll to pay attention."
Averagejoe selects from Louisiana State University, 22-year old Shaquille O'Neal. "He's a center in the NBA, but I'd put him back on D in the NHL. People think Chris Pronger has a great reach? Imagine 7-foot-3 Shaq waving his stick on the PK. When he goes down to block shots, he would be damn near impossible to get aound. Put his big ass in front of the goalie on powerplays and you have the best screener ever. So yeah. Shaq Diesel the D-man. Awesome."
Gift selects a young Jenna Jameson to play goal. "She can get in the butterfly position easily, isn't afraid to take on six guys at once, comes with her own chest pads. Doesn't mind when all of the players go behind the net. Very good with her trapper too. Amy Winehouse wouldn't be bad either, but she'd be on a permanent rehab assignment."
The Blues Prospect Department selects Theodore Roosevelt. "He spoke softly, carried a big stick, was a natural athlete and leader, and fairly intelligent as well."
Poor College Student takes 24's Jack Bauer. "With him a team is instantly upgraded in several aspects. With his accurate shot, Bauer never misses what he is aiming for. His dedication will show on and off the ice when he picks up loose rebounds, tirelessly backchecks, kills penalties, and participates in community buliding events such as a charity 5K or preventing a nuclear strike. Bauer can also excel in protecting any team's VIP goal scorers. Even Sean Avery would have to back down from agitating a team's leader in points once Jack threatens to shove a towel down the fashion designer's throat. Although, Sean Avery would be dead no sooner than 15 seconds after Bauer signed his contract because of the "sloppy seconds" remark on Bauer's daughter, Kim. The biggest knock on Jack's play is his penchant for breaking protocol, which would inevitably lead to several minor penalties. Another negative aspect is Bauer's potential for insubordination. When Jack has an idea for improving a team, not even Mike Keenan will stand in his way."
And rounding out the post before we open for comments, gallagher selects "Slapshot" player-coach Reg Dunlop. "And definitely not in his prime Reg Dunlop. Instead, I want the end-of-the-road, this-beats-real-work, drinkin-n-drivin/skatin-n-fuckin Reg Dunlop. Reg's early days and prime playing years are lost to history, but we do know that during his last years in the league he was one of hockey history's Grand Wizards. He could skate. He could score. He could fight when necessary. But beyond all of that, he was a master manipulator that even Scotty Bowman would have to give a tip of the hat.
Reg Dunlop could kill you on the ice with a timely hit or clutch goal (or a well-placed insult of your goalie's wife's sexual proclivities) or he could simply stay on the bench and psych one of his players to do the hitting, scoring or fighting for him. He turned baby Dave Carlson into a killer and he turned a bunch of toy-playing retards into one of the Iron League's most feared lines. His machinations turned a last-place team into a league champion and along the way filled the building with rabid fans every night.
If I'm starting a franchise, I want Reg Dunlop to be my first player selected in the dispersal draft. He can do it on the ice, in the locker room, at the turnstiles and (maybe most importantly) in the trophy room. Reg Dunlop isn't a man to start a franchise, Reg Dunlop is the franchise."
And there you have it. Out of those picks, only one "person" actually is known for playing hockey. But don't let that stop you from picking a real player. Be forewarned, Jack Bauer may kill him with his bare feet.