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Top 11 Reasons We Don't Want Press Credentials

11.  Already plenty of other people pulling down those crucial, "Just gotta take it one shift at a time" quotes.

10.  No real need to find out for sure that Paul Kariya is, in fact, a dick.

9.    You wanna know how I know you're gay? You want to hang out around a bunch of dudes getting changed for their showers. 

8.    Lost our last fedora that had a 'Press' card stuck in the band; don't want to buy another one.

7.    Bernie Miklasz told us that the next time he sees us in person he'd shove his "Bernie's Bits" right up our asses.

6.    Don't want the stench of that dying medium 'print' on us.

5.    Hello? Their seats are worse than the ones we're paying for in 307.

4.    Easier ways to meet Bobby Plager than all that rigamarole.

3.    Already know what bar they're all going to after the game.

2.    Don't care how big Barret Jackman' dick is.

1.    Biggest revelation of being in the locker room? That place smells like the Devil's asshole.


From the 12 Fluid Ounces of Gallagher's Brain