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Postcards From The Blues

It's been a long, lonely summer for Blues fans, but we're right around the corner from months of too many drinks, too little sleep and (probably) a lot more cursing. We know we're happy to move into the fall so we can start talking hockey full-time again and stop pretending like we care about baseball.

As for the summer, well, let's just say that it was fairly uneventful. But what about the players? Are they excited for the rigors ahead? Ready to prove that last season's run was no fluke and the playoffs were just a stumbling block/learning point? And what of their summer? Did they enjoy their time off?

Luckily for us, we have a contact in the Blues' Mailroom. Even luckier? The Blues apparently still use postcards to communicate with one another during the offseason.


Dear Eeej,

Hope all is well with the knee. We just had our Oshie Invitational golf tournament and amazingly no one got tackled by their cart. Sorry we couldn't invite you, but you know about the new "EJ Golf Rule."

Check you in Chicago for the Team USA tryouts, let's be sure to fuck with Taxi Cab Kane. 





Dear Teej,

How it's hanging, bros? Looking forward to seeings you again soon, roomie and even more to playing in Sweden. You think they ladies love blowing the jobs in Saints Louis? Wait until Sweden, my man. These BJs will give you wicked Crombeen, if you know what I mean!

Take care bro, and say hallo to Backs for me at USA camp!


P's S: I finally got 'Wonderwall' out of my head... No more, OK Broseph?



Greetings and Salutations from Minnesota, Big Walt Little Backes!

Hope all is well with the family, the bald head and the broken down body, you aging power forward dinosaur! Can't wait to see you at camp, buddy. I know everyone will be asking you about how you've mentored me in the ways of power forward-dom and how you're looking forward to helping me out some more this year. Don't worry, big buddy, I'll be sure to not tell everyone that you always want to know how I do it.

And yes, don't worry, I'll say 'Hi' to Tony Amonte for you at the Team USA camp... oh wait, he won't be there either!

Just kidding, Walter, you know I love ya. Be sure to give my best to the other St. Louis guys and we'll see you soon.

~Big David



Dear Captain Roboto,

Heard the surgery didn't go to well. No worries, buddy, picking up your kids is over-rated anyway. Besides, everyone knows the first 40 games of the regular season don't count for shit anyway.

Well, hope things get better and if you feel like hanging out - note that the postcard I sent you was shot from the east side of the river - I'm always available.


Big Walt

P.S. by 'Wink' I mean 'Call me if you want to go to the strip clubs on the east side. I have VIP privileges.' Allegedly.



To Whom It May Concern,

My system is down for maintenance. I will reply to appropriate correspondence when time permits. If you have appropriate code that will allow my upper body manipulator appendages to allow my system to heft a child-sized organism, please contact my design team.


Eric Brewer



Dear Coach,

I have been in contact with all of the players this summer about their workouts as you requested. I have to say that most of them have taken to your idea of "occupational" workouts which are geared towards their positions, roles and injury histories. In particular, Kariya's Kegel exercises have had excellent results.

In particular, the program suggested for Cam Janssen, while it seems to have worked remarkably well, is still a bit disturbing.

See you in the weight room!

Nelson Ayotte



Dear Nelson,

You're no Nelson Emerson, but not bad for a non-St. Louis guy! Thanks for the off-season workout - I'm kicking its ass! King of All Keg Stands has made me an even bigger celebrity in the greater Eureka area.
Can't wait to see what you've got planned for the regular season!

Cam Cam Bam Bam Slam Slam Smash Smash!



Dear Blues,

Please pass on to everyone that I am saying hi.

-Silent Jay McClement



Dear Everyone,

Thank you SO much for all of your hilarious golf-related postcards. Trust me, each one was way fucking funnier than the one before it! By the way, remember how the 'Tkachuk is fat' jokes got so old after like a month? Yeah, exactly, you unoriginal bastards. And you, Colaiacovo, do you really feel like you have that much room to talk? Aren't you about to get taken out in some ridiculous mannner yourself?

By the way, after Team USA camp, you all better be ready for the EJ Show. I'm gonna blister every one of your asses and remind you all why I'm The Franchise around here.

Come ready to play, bitches,




Dearest Kelly,

Things at Team USA camp couldn't be going better. For one, I'm kicking ass and taking names, in accordance with my prophesy. For another, they put me in a room with that taxi cab toughguy Patrick Kane. Did you know that guy gave himself the nickname 'Showtime' and made his stick pattern the 'Candy Kane' pattern on purpose? Seriously, if I hadn't just seen you like three days ago, it'd be like "Oz" up in this room. Guess who gets to pick the TV channels and gets to have his feet rubbed every night? Yeah, baby, it's sweet. Hell, Teej showed up to the first practice wearing Kane's name and number, but with the Hamburglar stitched onto the front of his jersey. Blam, motherfucker!

Even better, remember the guy on Vancouver who talked all that shit about you during the playoffs? Yeah, Ryan Kesler is on my line at camp.  They coaches told me that they like my enthusiasm, but they'd never seen a guy board his own linemate before. Oh well, it's not my fault that dude's teeth were so loose.

Anyway, baby, things are going great; not only have I established dominance over two annoying pussies from my own conference, I'm poised to let the rest of the NHL know what's up too.

See you soon and with a nice piece of jewelry purchased especially for you by one Ryan Kesler.

Chuck Norris David