clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

How I'm Spending The Olympic Break

New, comments

Being a hockey fan who is not an Olympic fan sure makes for some long days. Between everyone trying to convince me that I'm wrong about my disinterest in the games and everyone else trying to teach me where CNBC is so I can watch Team America play, I cannot wait until they're over and we can get back to the NHL.

But the break has given me a lot of free time. What have I done with that time, you ask? Well, since you asked and all...

  1. Trying to find a strip club in wine country.
  2. Drinking about 537 beers.
  3. Throwing games in NHL10 Be A Player mode so that the Blues can win the Stanley Cup.
  4. Getting over-influenced by my reading of The Catcher in the Rye.
  5. Listening to too much Geto Boys. And too much Cage The Elephant. And too much Jay-Z.
  6. Wishing I had worn something other than my t-shirt with a picture of a cat's face on it to the Parent-Teacher conference.
  7. Reminding everyone who will listen that Kelly Backes is a saint! Which is also why we should all still hate Ryan Kesler.
  8. Snapping up as many Kariya Blues jerseys as possible so I can make a killing on eBay when the team retires his number.
  9. Not watching porn. Definitely not doing that.
  10. Honoring Canada as host nation by eating tons of Mexican food. It was as close as I could get.
  11. Letting the dogs out (who, who who who who).
  12. Wishing I sold a little more.
  13. Beer before liquor, never been... oh fuck.
  14. Finally finishing my 1/8 scale Lego tribute to the World Trade Centers.
  15. Coming up with new euphemisms for jacking it.
  16. Poking the bear.
  17. Not getting those procedures that my dentist seems to think are "critical at this time."
  18. Growing a mullet.
  19. Skating with a guy who keeps saying that "Darcy Tucker wears the same skates as me."
  20. Not Facebooking.
  21. Or scrapbooking.
  22. Reallocating my playoff tickets fund.
  23. Trying to explain that being facetious and swearing doesn't mean your not being serious. Fuckers.
  24. Shaving my chest like Patrick Kane.
  25. Feeling like maybe getting a 13 tattooed on my neck isn't that big of deal anymore. Danzig and Cash agree, so how could it be wrong?
  26. Being mean to people who are nice to me and nice to people who are mean to me.
  27. Eating Slim Jims until I can feel it leaking out my pores.
  28. Wishing the Blues would find a way to not employ an overachieving backup as the starting goalie for the first time in like 10 years.
  29. Bringing back white jeans as an acceptable item of clothing for everyday wear.
  30. Skipping the fish fry, eternal damnation be, well, damned.
  31. Trying to cut back to one dump a day, just because it's almost terrifyingly difficult and rewarding.
  32. Finally taking the sweatervests to Goodwill.
  33. Giving the finger far too easily.
  34. Being the belle of the ball.
  35. 538 beers.
  36. Taking rufies and heading out to the Double D just to see what happens.
  37. Trying, unsuccessfully, to get that goddam Biggie Smalls/Miley Cyrus mashup out of my head.
  38. Wondering why more people don't know why Roman Polak is so impressive. And not just because of his Twitter page or his non-Polish, non-Roman ancestry.
  39. Wishing I'd named this thing GAMEFACE! And required that all sentences be ended with an exclamation point!
  40. Wishing I'd never heard of any of the imbeciles from The Hills and The Jersey Shore.
  41. Knowing that girls are smarter than boys. No girl in the world would let her jackass friends talk her into leaping from a roof onto a trampoline.
  42. Dodging that Brentwood cop who is still all pissed that I drank his beer at the pool last summer.
  43. Watching a shitload of Law & Order and Seinfeld and pretending it's 1994 again.
  44. Kicking my kid's ass in Halo.
  45. Still finding myself surprised when I see a picture of Eric Brewer and he has that C on his jersey.
  46. Watching MTV's True Life shows and saying, "Are you kidding me? Those aren't problems!" about a hundred times.
  47. Going back and forth on wearing the chunky gold bracelet.
  48. Wishing I'd ordered an Inglorious Backes shirt when I had the chance.
  49. Ordering weird postcards online, sending them to people and then acting like they're weird when they call to ask if I was actually in Amsterdam or Des Moines or Tallahassee.
  50. Getting my youngest to pull my finger as everyone else in the house screams, "Nooo! Don't do it!" Like the finger actually makes a difference.
  51. Whittling.
  52. Not buying Ed Hardy t-shirts.
  53. Trying to pretend that ThisIsWhyYou'reFat.com grosses me out instead of just making me way more hungrier.
  54. Getting my ass kicked by my kid in bubble hockey.
  55. Wearing glasses to make myself look smarter glassier.
  56. Wondering what the hell Cam Janssen and "Eureka's Baddest Posse" are up to right about now.
  57. Wishing I'd saved the copies of the comic strip my buddy came up with that featured me and Shawn Kemp as star-crossed roomates, "The Shawn and Sean Show."
  58. Not bringing sexy back.
  59. Enjoying my 3 p.m. energy crash.
  60. Texting while driving. Yeah, I know.
  61. Cracking people up with my "Every hot girl is someone else's complaining bitch" line.
  62. Regretting my purchase of a red fedora. Why didn't someone stop me?
  63. Wondering where the hell that giant toenail clipping flew off to...
  64. Convincing Brad Lee that just because the Teej does it, it doesn't mean he can frost his tips too.
  65. Trying to convince a production company that if we put cameras on King of All Vendors John Nicolay for 24 hours a day, we'll have a hit TV show.
  66. Wishing someone would answer my Craigslist post offering my services as hip-hop's next great hype man.
  67. Unsuccessfully trying not to get too excited about the latest Project Mayhem.
  68. Laughing at inappropriate times when I remember that Jonathan Toews threw up after fighting David Backes.
  69. Toying with my enemies.
  70. Convincing the wife that The Hangover is a date movie.
  71. Wearing Ugg boots.
  72. Not really wearing Ugg boots.
  73. Whoops! 545 beers.
  74. Not believing my buddy who is trying to convince me that the pole dancing fitness class is co-ed.
  75. Texting with PCS only using quotes from Super Troopers.
  76. Figuring out what mixes well with vodka.
  77. Feeling like just because you can bring your laptop into the bathroom doesn't really mean you should bring your laptop into the bathroom.
  78. Wondering why people don't make a bigger deal out of the fact that at least half of the hits used in the in-game highlight reel of Big Hits! are wildly illegal or dirty.
  79. Wait, what did you say we just smoked?
  80. Getting to about 98% sure that my next Blues jersey will have No. 18 McClement on it.
  81. Still finding tall beers funny.
  82. Daring you to detail your life in a giant list.
  83. Wondering if that mystery escalator part arrived at the DrinkScotch from Kathmandu yet.
  84. Feeling like a "Blues GDT Drinking Game" might be slightly irresponsible. And more than slightly vomit inducing.
  85. Talking shit in my rec league games like it's my job.
  86. Teetering ever closer to getting a GT tattoo.
  87. Trying to find a less meaningful statistic than the 'medal count.'
  88. Researching how one becomes a key grip.
  89. Holy shit is this a time waster.
  90. Not coming up with eight more items just to get to 100.
  91. TLDR.
  92. General cockfuckery.

Come back, NHL. Clearly I need you.