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More fun than Thankful Thursdays, it's F-You Friday.

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I had a buddy tell me this week that he loves the concept of F-You Friday because he's tired of everyone always talking about how great it is that it's fucking Friday. I get it, end of the work week, the exact opposite of Monday morning and all that other horseshit. But you know, once you graduate to real life, the weekends aren't all that much better than the work week. Grass to cut, things need to be painted for some reason, cars need to be to washed or oiled or whatever you're supposed to do to cars, kids who don't care how hot it is or how early it is or how many drinks daddy had last night.

What's so fucking great about the end of the work week? At least at work I know I'm getting something done.

That said, off we go....

1. Fuck you Blackhawks fans. Bask in your Cup win. Revel in it. Masturbate to pictures of shittily bearded youngsters in Indian jerseys holding it. I get it, they earned it. Hell, YOU earned it (well, some of you did. some of you are bandwagony pieces of shit and you know it.). Do not listen to any of us who bitch and moan about your team and then laugh at your cap situation. You are fans of the championship team. Do not listen to our shit.

But you do have to also do us all this favor: stop, stop, stop anyone in your group who has the incredible lack of insight to claim that next year you'll be repeat champions. Seriously, police yourselves on this, it's the right thing to do. You know I'm right on this.

2. Fuck you, getting old. Yes, I realize I'm dangerously close to "youth is wasted on the young" territory here, but there is one thing all you youngsters need to know, something they never tell you about. When you start to get older, you start squashing your own balls all the time. I mean it, too. All the time.

Answer me this: How the fuck is that fair? From the time I was zero until the time I was 28 years old, I squashed my own balls exactly one time. And that was probably avoidable, too, in retrospect. In the last six months I've squashed my balls to the point of nearly bringing tears like 18 times. That's three times a month, damn near once a week! I squashed my own balls getting into bed last night. What the shit is that?

3. Fuck you "super"star. Ilya Kovalchuk, you continue to dumbfound. I realize that the Kings are playing hardball and driving down the asking price because no one else is really interested in your services, but for you to continue to demand $10 million a year for 10 years and to negotiate with only one suitor is "Hey, do you think I could make the pool from here?" stupid. Time to realize that your best bet to actually getting signed is to relax your stance and to also have your agent re-engage another team.

Not saying the Blues specifically, but the Blues would be a good choice. Maybe they'd do $7 million for seven years. They did give Paul Kariya $6 million to come skate infinity symbols into the ice near the blueline for three years. Take a chance, give 'em a call and have a proposal for them. After all, $49 million in guaranteed money should be enough for you to layer yourself in velvet for the rest of your life. 

4. Fuck you predictable stereotype motherfuckers. I'm a big fan of this city and this state, but goddamn do I hate it when I'm somewhere, oh, let's call it "out state" and I'm talking to a guy and he gives me the quick look over his shoulder as he says, "You know, I'm not racist, but...."

As comedian Bill Burr said, you know full well the next thing you are going to hear is some fucked up racist shit. Seriously people, isn't there someone else we can save that hatred for? You know, like people who are actively planning to kill people just like us just because we live in this country? For fuck's sake, man, you're bringing us all down with that shit.

5. Fuck you Detroit. You know, just for drill.

 

There you go, citizens of Angrytown. Do your part in the comments and then feel better. Then maybe you won't mind all that bullshit you have to do this weekend.