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The many breeds of casual Blues fans

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Bro! My jersey is sick. Look, it's black. And it's got neon stripes. It's so hot, it's actual FIRE!
Bro! My jersey is sick. Look, it's black. And it's got neon stripes. It's so hot, it's actual FIRE!

Over the past few weeks, more and more "Blues fans" have come out of the woodwork. They've dusted off their sweet Blues swag from 2009 and reaffirmed their love for the St. Louis Blues.

As a lifelong fan, you can tell these fans just don't fit. Hell, in 2006, you could pretty much recognize every regular fan at the Blues game. After all, there were only about 13 of us that year. I've compiled a list of the different types of casual fans at games. If you ask these guys who Bob Plager is, you'll likely get blank stares.

The Halak Hater: This guy irrationally hates Jaroslav Halak based on the first seven games of this season...despite Halak co-authoring a Jennings trophy and finishing among the top six goaltenders in goals-against average and save percentage. He clearly doesn't remember the dogshit days of Patrick Lalime if he thinks this is bad goaltending. You might have noticed this guy during Game 2. He was the fucking douchebag in the bar chanting "Ell-i-ot!!" when Halak was hurt in the second period. You know, because bringing in a cold goaltender in a one-goal playoff game is AWESOME!

Broshies: These guys are the bros who just love T.J. Oshie. Don't get me wrong; Oshie is a good player. But these guys act like he's Sidney Crosby, Wayne Gretzky and Jesus Christ rolled into one. They are likely wearing a green Oshie jersey, and talk about those reverse hits on Rick Nash ALL THE TIME. Oshie will pull the same toe drag move 37 times in one game, but the one time it actually works, Broshies gush over him like they're Darren Pang in love with Vladimir Sobotka.

Mrs. Oshie: These ladies are between the ages of 14 and 30, and they carry giant "Marry Me TJ" signs. They don't understand that a 25 year old millionaire hockey player probably isn't ready to settle down anytime soon. No, they are too smitten by his rosy red cheeks and adorable frosted tips. When not carrying their sign, they are likely wearing the ladies cut pink or grey Blues jersey...with their future husband's name stitched on the back.

The Eternal Optimist: You can tell this guy hasn't been a Blues fan for long because his optimism hasn't been hopelessly crushed by years of early playoff exits, shitty ownership groups and/or front office mismanagement. His rose-tinted glasses are maddening, especially when you're raging over blown third-period leads.

The Office Hockey Fan: Every morning, this guy comes into your office to talk hockey with you. You really don't have anything in common with this guy, but he's a friendly guy trying to make conversation. He says things like, "I saw the Blues won 4 scores to 3." Or he pronounces Alex Pietrangelo "Peter-ang-elo." His fund of hockey knowledge is cut and paste directly from that morning's Post-Dispatch. You don't mind him. At least he talks about hockey.

The Prude: This is the 50 year old lady who has never watched hockey, but was forced to come to the game because her husband bought tickets. She complains about the "barbaric" fights, and gives dirty looks to the beer swilling hooligans who scream obscenities the entire game. She's probably going to make her husband go to some insufferable show at the Muny as retribution.

Guy who yells "Shoot!": Oh, man, there is a special circle of hell reserved for this guy. This guy yells "Shoot!" the entire power play, whether the Blues are 3 inches from the goal line or behind their own goal. He sits in the 300s, just waiting for someone to notice his brilliant insight into the game and offer him a head coaching gig. (Side note: This is actually how Columbus has hired head coaches since Hitch left.)

Late arrivers/early exits: No, this header isn't referring to the typical San Jose Shark season. These fans arrive late to the game and leave early because traffic is just soooooo horrible. My lord, we wouldn't want to wait an extra 20 fucking minutes in the parking lot! Especially when these animals are all going to be honking their horns when the Blues win! Listening to the end of the game on the radio is just as fun! You get a pass in this category if you have a kid. Just a heads up: if you make your kid leave early because he has to wake up early for school the next day, he might end up a bitter man blogging obscenity laden Blues blogs. Consider yourselves warned.