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Your Handy Dandy Guide to NHL Suspensions

"Whew, good thing assault and battery isn't suspend-able."
"Whew, good thing assault and battery isn't suspend-able."

It took me 24 hours to let Game 1 sink in. Not only did we lose the game, but even worse, we lost our best player for an undetermined period of time. I felt like my dog died.

After I recovered, I was outraged NHL discipline sucks. Brendan Shanahan has lost all credibility he once had and returned us to the "Wheel of Justice" era of Colin Campbell.

I discussed this with my friend, Craig. Craig agreed with me, but he started to personally attack Shanahan. I mean, you'd think Shanahan boinked his wife or something. Anywho, as some kind of personal vendetta, Craig broke into Shanahan's office and stole the cheat sheet he uses to determine suspensions. He gave me a copy of the cheat sheet so all of STL Gametime could see the method behind the madness.


by Colin Campbell Brendan Shanahan

Is the offending player a star player?
- If yes, do not suspend.
- If he is a star player, but the play in question mirrors a WWE move, fine him $2500.
- If no, proceed to the next question.

Is the offender Niklas Kronwall?
- If yes...oh, Niklas, you silly mother fucker. No suspension, and make sure you explain in the video that the hit was a "good hockey hit."
- If Kronwall left his feet and stuck out his elbow, explain that the targeted player deserved a "clothesline from hell" because he put himself in a vulnerable position. No suspension.
- If no, proceed to the next question.

Who does the targeted player play for?
- The Blues - LOLZ. We don't give a fuck. No suspension.
- The Sabres - No reason to have them here other than the fact that the NHL loves to screw Buffallo, right Hullie? No suspension.
- If you made contact with Sydney Crosby, bypass suspension, and go straight to the electric chair. (Effective immediately after the 2009 Winter Classic.)

Was the targeted player a star player?
- If yes, suspend the offender 1 game.
- If yes and the media has raised a shitstorm about controversial hits, suspend the offender 25 games.
- If no, no one really gives a fuck and fine the offender $2500.

Was the offender a repeat offender?
- If yes, tack another 2 games on to the suspension.
- If they probably should be a repeat offender for that incident Jim Ross described as "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, he's stomping a Texas mud hole, King!" ignore their past history anyway because you didn't take disciplinary action.
- If no, keep the original suspension length.

Was the targeted player injured?
- Yes, and he had to be taken off on a stretcher: 25 games.
- Yes, but the trainer was able to reattach his arm before the next shift: No extra games.
- No, but he writhed on the ice in pain, and the team listed him as "day-to-day" until the disciplinary hearing: one to three extra games.
- No: Stop crying, you fucking pussy. No suspension. Remember to use "good hockey play" language in official explanation.

Did Mike Babcock throw a hissy fit about the incident?
- If yes, suspend the player 3 games.
- If, fuck. Who are we kidding? Babcock gets his panties in a bunch over everything.