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According to every scouting report, Vladimir Tarasenko is at least twice as good as Evgeni Malkin. And by scouting report, I mean "comments on Facebook by guys who watched his shootout move on Youtube."
The question on everyone's mind (besides how he can stick handle like he's got the puck on a string) is WHEN. When will Tarasenko come to North America and make Alex Ovechkin look like Vitali Karamnov?
I've stolen a page from Tarasenko's diary weighing the pros and cons of coming to the NHL. (Although my friend Doug insists I call it a "journal.") I'm going to post it below as if I found it, but I really just ripped off Puck Daddy's translation and used it as my own.
Dear Journal,
Today is was cold in Russia. Again.
Anyways, I have been thinking about whether I should join the St. Louis Blues next year. John Davidson has expressed interest in me joining the team, but leaving me 4 voicemails a day is getting old. So, I guess I should decide soon. I made a list of pros and cons.
CONS:
1. God hates the St. Louis Blues.
It looks like the Blues have a lineup of second liners. They could really use a goal scorer, but can't really afford a $7 million player. It's a perfect match. Almost too perfect. I'm afraid I'll blow out a knee on a golf cart, and/or end up being a bust. Seems like the Blues have a history of screwing things up. (Hooligan's note: Good observations, Vladdy. I get the impression God hates the Blues, too. I just hope the reason God hates the Blues isn't because he's a Detroit fan. I might become an atheist or something.)
2. Captain Kangaroo hates Russians.
I hear the fat guy who coaches the Blues hates Russians. They traded Nikita Nikitin when he got there. There's a laundry list of Russians he's hated on. (Hooligan's note: Oh, come on. He used Sergei Zubov like a horse in Dallas. The rest of those guys were either shitty or washed up by the time he got there. Maybe Hitch doesn't hate Russians. Maybe he just hates shitty hockey players. Should you really be worried, Vladdy?)
3. I have more sex than a Roman emperor
You know, it's pretty awesome being a stud hockey player in my home country. I'm an all-star. I make more money than my degenerate friends. My days consists of hockey, vodka and pussy. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER LEAVE???!!! (Hooligan's note: Fair point.)
PROS
1. The KHL
The KHL is more unstable than a Central African government. (And at times, just as violent.) Sometimes teams fold. Sometimes teams stop paying their players. And maybe that whole 2/3rds guaranteed contract thing Bryz was babbling about the other day is a good thing. (Hooligan's note: While Russia may be the everlasting land of hard liquor and women for a young hockey player, the KHL is just a step above the Brentwood Men's League in terms of quality of operations.)
2. God status in St. Louis
My friend TJ called me the other day, trying to convince me to play. Something about, "Dear God, please come play here so Hitch doesn't try Sobotka on the top line again." Anyways, he said all you have to do is skate hard and hit people and the people will love you. In fact, he made it sound like my current "hockey/vodka/beautiful girl" star player routine could be easily duplicated. (Hooligan's note: If he wants to live like a rock star, maybe TJ can give the young buck some tips.)
3. If I really am a star player, I'll win the Stanley Cup.
Wow, look at all these ex-Blues star players who have won Cups. Brett Hull, Brendan Shanahan, Chris Pronger, Curtis Joseph, Rod Brind'amour, Doug Gilmour, Scott Stevens...wow. Apparently, after a couple of years in St. Louis, I'm virtually guaranteed to win a Cup somewhere else! (Hooligan's note: Screw you, Vladdy.)
So, I'm still not sure what to do. I guess I'll figure it out soon and call John Davidson one of these days. (Hooligan's note: Please, Vladdy. Please. Put us out of misery. I'm getting sick of the "When's Tarasenko coming?" question.)