How Barrett Jackman is like your psycho ex-girlfriend

Barrett Jackman signed a 3 year extension this week, sending many Jackman haters into a blood boiling rage. If tweets were needles, Jax would look like Hellraiser right now.

Let me be clear about one thing: I am not a Jackman fan. At all. In fact, most games I scream obscenities at my television while he plays. And yet, somehow, this deal makes sense. Ian Cole can only replace one of either Jackman or Carlo Colaiacovo. One of those two was staying in St. Louis, and it wasn't going to be the pasta-eating concussion ball.

Have you ever dated an absolutely psycho girl for waaaaaay longer than you should before breaking up with her?

Army signed Jackman for the same reasons you didn't break up with her sooner. The Blues and Jackman have been together since Jackman was 18. At first, things seemed magical. Jackman won the Calder trophy, and fans were in love. The years (and gravity) haven't been kind to Jackman, and many fans were hoping for a messy divorce this summer.

But then, Army renewed the vows.

Are there better options? Yes. But not many. And the better options are either out of your league and/or too expensive. The odds of Ryan Suter coming to St. Louis are lower than my shot at Brooklyn Decker. You'd have to lower your standards to replace Jax. What would your parents say if you brought Hal Gill home?

The Blues and Jackman could have broken up to play the field again, but that requires a lot of time, money and work. Did I mention money? Lots and lots of money. Horny GMs are going to throw gobs of money at unattractive options; they'll be disappointed at what little action they get in return. Jackman is low maintenance, and isn't going to demand anything elaborate.

Look, Jackman has his flaws. He doesn't always make smart decisions, sort of like when psycho girl gets crazy hammered and starts making out with random dudes at the bar. Sometimes, he takes a dumb penalty, but at least he's better at controlling his temper than your psycho ex. Occasionally, he gets caught out of position, which is better than your psycho ex always dictating which position you use. And sometimes, he annoys the shit out of teammates asking terrible questions like, "Does the third jersey make me look fat?"

Your friends tell you you're crazy for continuing the relationship, and you know they're right. But at least you know what you're getting out of Jackman. He's familiar. You don't have to relearn a birthday or condition a new person to accept the fact that you pee with the seat down. Those processes can take years. You stayed with psycho girl because you know all it takes is dinner and a movie and BOOM! You get some action. The movie might be a crappy chick flick, but you can tolerate it for the end result. Jackman might be ugly at times, but overall, he gets the job done.

A lot of people will throw out younger alternatives, like Brett Ponich or something. But going with youth and inexperience is downright criminal.

We're better off sticking with the cougar of the Blues defense.