clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Lockout Would Suck the Most for ...

Barret Jackman wishes he could drive a Zamboni.
Barret Jackman wishes he could drive a Zamboni.

Guys, is it still the offseason? Seriously.

After a summer of mostly hockey hibernation, I'm starting to get the itch for the game again, which got me thinking about how much it would completely suck for there to be a lockout. (And let's face it, there's going to be a lockout.) And then I got to thinking about who it would suck the most for. So here's a list of my top five.

Of course, this doesn't cover everybody. There are plenty of teams/people/entities/things an NHL lockout could suck for. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

The lockout would REALLY suck for...

5. Beer sales in Toronto. The sooner the Leafs start to play, the sooner they start to suck. And the sooner they start to suck, the sooner Canada’s most awesome city goes on a several-months-long drinking binge. Sorry, Labatt and Molson, but if Leafs fans don’t start sulking at the usual time in the T-Dot, if I’m an investor, I’m going to sell, sell, sell.

4. Zamboni drivers everywhere. During the season, these guys have the coolest ride ever (see what I did there?). Any rich dude can drive a Lambo to a hockey game, but no matter how much money you have, once you’re in the arena, the Zamboni driver has the coolest set of wheels (unless you drive this). It’s the great playing-field leveler. In an arena, there’s nothing more awesome than driving a Zamboni. Admit it, you’ve seen the kid who gets to ride around on the seat during intermission, waving to his mom. And you have at least once wished you were that kid. But if there’s a lockout, what do the Zamboni guys do? Wait, what the fuck do Zamboni guys do in the offseason anyway? I hope they’re stunt drivers.

3. Detroit Red Wings fans. I mean, you know a lockout will just keep the Best Hockey Fans in States Not Named Michigan from watching their Stanley Cup Contender and the Best Defenseman To Ever Play Hockey. Waaaiiiit a minute...

Here are some chronological excerpts from articles at our estranged bastard sister blog, Winging It In Motown, straight from Hockeytown, No Limits (from somewhere several states, or even a country, away from actual Hockeytown, of course, because who the fuck wants to live in Detroit?):

May 29: Quick Hits: Parise or Suter?

June 13: If the Wings strike out on getting one of Ryan Suter or Matt Carle (they won't), Jason Garrison wouldn't be a bad addition. Hell, give me Suter and Garrison.

June 25: I'd probably take [Filip Kuba] over Dennis Wideman. Why? Because Wideman blows. He's the Mikael Samuelsson of defense.

July 1: Welcome Back, Sammy: Detroit Signs Mikael Samuelsson to Two-Year Deal

July 4: Go Ahead and Panic Here if You’d Like: Wings Miss Big Free Agents

July 26: Alex Semin Signs With Hurricanes, Red Wing Fans Buy Razors

August 24: Carlo Colaiacovo would be a solid addition to the blue line. … He’s only 29 and has some offensive upside if he stays healthy (Nate the Great editor’s note: good luck with that). I’ll take him in the top 6.

From: Hell, let’s just sign Suter AND Garrison to go with Parise! To: We’ll gladly take Colaiacovo! You can clearly see which direction these guys are trending here. I can’t imagine what they’ll be writing about if the league locks out and they have more time to keep thinking. Wishfully.

2. The entire population of Minnesota. Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted was that one awesome Christmas present, and it was the only thing you asked for so you were pretty sure you were getting it? And then a box the EXACT size of said awesome toy appeared under the tree, and you were certain you’d snagged the most awesome Christmas gift since you got your Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis? And eventually Christmas came, and then you did NOTHING but play with your new toy. Minnesota basically was the little girl who asked for a Barbie for Christmas and got two ponies instead. If there’s a lockout, it’s like they know the ponies (who are named Suter and Parise) are out back, but they can’t go feed them pony sugar cubes or brush their pony hair. Poor Minnesota.

1. Everyone not named David Backes. Look, we all try to live our lives the best we can, but it's pretty well known that Backes is all that is man, and that's WITH him spending most of his months with a full-time job playing hockey. If Backes is allowed to roam the earth freely without any obligations, it could spell disaster for the rest of us. You want a puppy? Get on the puppy waiting list, pal -- David and Kelly have already taken a private jet all over the country and adopted them all. You feel like punching a random Canadian today? None left -- they've all already puked in the penalty box.

For the past two weeks, every news outlet in America has been all over Mitt Romney and Barack Obama in their heated battle to be POTUS. Guess what? The Blues' season is supposed to start Oct. 11. If that doesn't happen, that gives Backes nearly a full month to garner votes without even trying. If you give a man that awesome that long, it'll be sayonara Barack and Mitt, and the voting public will be slapping the C on the chest of President Backes. And yeah, we know he's under the required age outlined in the Constitution, but that will be no obstacle (except for Tim Thomas, who Is A Free Citizen and will protest via Facebook).

Oh, and if you're wondering about a running mate, look no further than T.J. Oshie, who already has mayoral experience.