Last year, I did some guides to jeering each team the Blues played in the playoffs. I did two of them, and the second one was the Los Angeles Kings. The Kings ended up winning the Stanley Cup last year despite being, veritably, the last team into the postseason. I surely hope they don't win it again this year because that would mean the Blues lost in the first round. And also, it would mean that this is the only "Hate Fuel" guide I would be able to write this postseason. And fuck that noise.
Anyway, I had enough fun and got enough hate mail from those pieces last year, not to mention some encouragement from Game Time commenters and staff, that I decided to give it another go. Hell, since we played these guys last year, I decided to keep some of the retorts basically the same as last year. So I'm unoriginal. Fuck it.
Also . . . fuck fearing this team.
We all know what happened between these two sides last year . . . and over here on the Blues end of things, we're all pretty sure we don't want that to happen again this year(unless you're a Goddamn sadist . . . then again, sadism and Blues fandom sometimes go hand-in-hand).
I basically took each player from the roster - whether or not they played for the NHL club this year - and came up with (or, in some cases, merely attempted to come up with) something shitty to say about them, then added a colorful send-off to each player.
This is the playoffs, not tiddly-winks. You're supposed to hate your opponent. I'm the propane truck.
Let's get going on this, shall we?
- Dustin Brown: Pointy elbows make for great weapons, don't they, Captain Dickbag? Fuck you, Brown.
- Jeff Carter: Talented player, but seems like a total jerk. He royally fucked Columbus after he whined to get out of town. Sadly, it worked out for him. Fuck you, Carter.
- Kyle Clifford: His best skill? Just as it was last year . . . getting one-punch KO'd by Ryan Reaves. Yep. Fuck you, Clifford.
- Colin Fraser: He's a former Blackhawk. You folks probably know where I stand on this issue by now. Fuck you, Fraser.
- Dwight King: Remember DJ King? This is his brother, and he stole all his talent. Also, maybe avoid boarding our franchise defenseman and getting away with it, will you please? Dick. Fuck you, King.
- Anze Kopitar: Don't stare at his NHL.com profile picture. He may break your soul. Yeah, he may have a Cup ring but . . . I've been told he's kinda ugly, and no matter how many Cup rings a dude has, it's hard to fix ugly. Fuck you, Kopitar.
- Trevor Lewis: Kind of a nondescript player, but became a great playoff performer and was noted for it last year. And we get to play him again. Yep, that's about all I can come up with this year for him . . . Fuck you, Lewis.
- Jordan Nolan: Yes, he's the son of former NHL player and coach Ted Nolan, and while he may have more talent than his old man, he also has some of his temper, as we found out a bit last year. Fuck you, Nolan.
- Dustin Penner: Last year, it was "Pancake Jokes". This year? He just sucked, after cashing in on a monster postseason. Which means . . . he'll probably show up big again. Fuck you, Penner.
- Mike Richards: Sure, he has all sorts of LEADERSHIP, as Poor College Student and I will yell about. But he's also playing for the other team. Also . . . "Dry Island" something something something. Fuck you, Richards.
- Brad Richardson: Every team needs a Dan Hinote type of player. This is that player. But he's not Dan Hinote, so . . . Fuck you, Richardson.
- Nick Shore: I don't really know a damn thing about this guy. He's not even listed on the Kings' NHL.com roster as having a sweater number. There is no reprieve on this list, though. Fuck you, Shore.
- Jarret Stoll: For whatever reason, though he plays a grinder/faceoff/do-anything type of game, even Kings fans seem to not like this guy. Maybe he's a dick or something. I dunno. Fuck you, Stoll.
- Tyler Toffoli: The whole "People Named Tyler Are Awesome" thing goes out the window in the playoffs, as the Blues don't have anyone named Tyler anywhere but down on the farm. Fuck you, Toffoli.
- Justin Williams: He's got a bit of talent, but his main talent is skating fast. How'd that work out for my boy Jamal Mayers? Fuck you, Williams.
- Drew Doughty: He's still trying to figure out how to hit that Bridgestone puck hard enough. Fuck you, Doughty.
- Keaton Ellerby: They got rid of Kevin Westgarth and ended up bringing this guy in because he can play defense. He still doesn't play much and may not play in this series, but . . . fuck you, Ellerby.
- Matt Greene: I'm supposed to like this guy, because my girlfriend is a huge North Dakota fan and Greene's a former Fighting Sioux. But at times I look at him on the ice and think, "Hey, he looks like kind of a douche". Oh well. Fuck you, Greene.
- Alec Martinez: He's young. He's a defenseman. He's not as good as Pietrangelo or Shattenkirk. Yet he has a Cup ring. Yeah. Fuck you, Martinez.
- Jake Muzzin: He wears number six, which if he played baseball in this town, he'd have to be shot on sight or something. Fuck you, Muzzin.
- Robyn Regehr: I really don't hate this guy too much. He seems like a solid locker room guy and he's been on a Cup Finals run before. And he's the only native of Brazil to ever play in the NHL. But hey, this is an angry list . . . Fuck you, Regehr.
- Rob Scuderi: Cashed in on a great Cup run in '09 with the Pittsburgh Penguins by . . . getting overpaid to do less in LA, then doing it again. Lucky son of a bitch. Fuck you, Scuderi.
- Slava Voynov: Ken Hitchcock probably hates this guy because he's young and he's Russian. Or something. Fuck you, Voynov.
- Jonathan Bernier: Unless he gets hit in the face with a puck while sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on (and I honestly hope that doesn't happen, because really, that would suck), you won't see a damn bit of this guy. Fuck you, Bernier.
- Jonathan Quick: I don't care if he's won a Cup since then . . . I still go back to THIS fail-job from 2011. Maybe Petro can do that again . . . . Fuck you, Quick.
DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION ENTRY
- Los Angeles Sports Media: Seriously, I didn't forget about these incidents. As a former radio employee, I see shit like this and it makes me CRINGE. You're working in the second-biggest media market in the United fucking States, and you're paid to know your own fucking town's sports teams if you're in the sports department of the . . . yes, SECOND-BIGGEST MEDIA MARKET IN THE UNITED FUCKING STATES. Double-check your work, and clean up your fucking act. You all should've been fired for being so fucking stupid . . . the anchors themselves, the producers, the directors, the editors and anyone else involved in letting these mistakes (and several others) slip through the cracks. It's a fucking joke. Fuck you, Los Angeles Sports Media. You're paid too well to be that fucking stupid. Seriously. Get your shit together.
Be sure to distribute this accordingly with other fellow Blues fans that otherwise would not see this. Go hard, or go home.
I said this last year, and I'll say it again because generally speaking, this is the whole truth . . . .
I generally have no problem with Kings fans. Want to know why? Because they generally have no problem with me. But this is playoff hockey and verily, this is business. I want to win this bitch.
Fuck Los Angeles.
Let's Go Blues.