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HOW-TO HATE: The Dallas Stars

Megalodon from Battle of California has a vitally important warning about our new Central Division rival, the Dallas Stars.

This place is worse I've ever lived - and I was born in Communist Czechoslovakia!
This place is worse I've ever lived - and I was born in Communist Czechoslovakia!
Ronald Martinez

In the second part of our four part series, Megalodon from Battle of California has some very important words of warning for us about the Dallas Stars. I'll just step aside and let him take the podium. Everything below aside from the questions was written by Megalodon, not me. Please don't Puck Daddy Commenter me.


A vile corruption approaches your shining city! A seething taint that will plague you for years to come, and which can bring untold misery if you aren't prepared!

I'm speaking, of course, about your new division mates: the Dallas Fucking Stars.

I don't think you people understand the gravity of this situation. I'm talking about the STARS! They're coming! They're heading North to put a big stupid cowboy hat on your majestic arch and drop enormous Texas-sized turds into your pristine river!

This team, and the fans that cheer them on, are some of the most unpleasant bastards you'll ever have the misfortune to encounter. You have to believe me! Sure, St. Louis and I have had a disagreement or two in the past, but all that is forgiven and forgotten now. We have to unite against the greater evil. As the old saying goes: "The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and the enemy of the Dallas Stars is a friend to all the world."

I have been asked by the writers of this blog to provide you all with a primer regarding the Stars. Who are they, and why are they the worst? I'll tell you everything you need to know.

SLGT: Which current Stars player is the most deserving of our scorn and why?

BOC: In all honesty I had to look up the current Stars roster to remember most of the guys on the team, since it's so hard to pay attention to teams that haven't been serious playoff threats for years. Most of their really hateable players from the past are only dim and distant memories now, lost to the mists of history along with the days when the Stars would win playoff games.

That being said, there's no reason to fear. If you look closely, there are still plenty of stupid jerks on the Dallas Stars who deserve nothing but disdain.

Tyler Seguin tweets gay slurs, Dan Ellis is basically Ebeneezer Scrooge pre-ghost visitation, and Jamie Benn loves Two and a Half Men. Erik Cole's a pure bastard, Ryan Garbutt has a ridiculous name, and Aaron Rome is a headhunter.

Oh and Sergei Gonchar is apparently a big fucking cheater. But the Stars don't care about that of course, because they LOVE cheaters.

I'll get back to that shortly.

The point is, scientists aren't sure if being on the Stars causes you to become an awful person or if awful people are just attracted to the team as if it were some sort of giant magnet for douchebags, but you can't argue with the facts: the Stars are a bunch of shits.

SLGT: What about the Stars past: What's the most annoying moment in their history from your perspective?

They cheated. They fucking cheated to win the Stanley Cup. Brett Hull's goal never should have fucking counted, and everyone who watched hockey that season knows it in their hearts. You fucking KNOW that the exact same goal would have been disallowed all season long - that's why everybody hated the god damn rule!

The Dallas Stars ruined the whole fucking season with their cheap-ass non-goal, and to this day they're only too happy to trot out their same tired excuses for it if you bring it up. The Stars are a filthy bunch of cheaters who love cheating but don't even have the balls to admit that they cheated.

SLGT: Why is their style of play The Worst Thing To Ever Happen to Hockey?

Their style isn't the problem, it's the fact that it's the Stars doing it that's the problem. It's like if you saw a painting and you were all "Hey that's an okay painting" and then someone told you that Charles Manson painted it.

SLGT: How about Dallas. What's the biggest reason that Dallas & Texas suck? Is it a fun place to take in a road game?

BOC: Train robbers. Arsonists. Bear baiters. Con men. Racists. Muggers. Murderers. All these people can agree on one thing: if you want to see a REAL bunch of assholes, you need to look to Texas.

I've already discussed what I don't like about Texas and the Stars in great detail in the past, so rather than repeat myself I'll just add a bit here:

Rick Perry, the governor of Texas, is an almost unfathomably stupid shithead. He's a nice head of hair on top of a six-foot pile of bullshit, a ghoulish loon who can't even remember three fucking things on the most important day of his life. He's the living embodiment of the idea that everything is bigger, louder, and dumber in Texas, and he would lose a debate to the comments section of a Yahoo! News article. Perry ran for president and failed miserably, since he's just another example of something Texans think is impressive that just makes the rest of the country laugh (see also: Dallas Stars).

I wouldn't know whether Dallas is a fun place to take in a road game because I have never been there and will never go there, and honestly I'm pretty offended that you dared to bring up the idea in the first place.

SLGT: Stars fans: idiots or fun drinking buddies? How are they when they show up in your building? DO they show up in your building?

BOC: The only drink I would ever share with a Stars fan is a glass of poison strong enough to kill us both.

Stars fans aren't allowed into arenas in California because of safety regulations prohibiting giant belt buckles.

SLGT: Lastly, what would you say is the single biggest reason to hate the Dallas Stars?

BOC: My hatred of the Stars cannot be broken down into component parts. It is one giant, painful, glowing whole. My hatred is perfect and infrangible, and burns with a purity unmatched in this world. The Stars don't just inspire hate, they are the SOURCE of hate. All the evil in the world flows from them, and if you value truth or justice or the soul of humanity itself then you should hate them just as much as I do. Anything less is unacceptable.

This is your task now, St. Louis. We at Battle of California have done all we can to warn the world about the Stars, but now our watch is ended. Now the responsibility rests with you. You have to crush them. You must bring them down and keep them down. Break their god damn legs, hurl them into the muck where they belong, and then stand on their throats until their struggles cease.

Only then will you know your job is done.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

Part One: Winging It In Motown tears the Colorado Avalanche a new one.