clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

J-Mill's Three Keys to Victory...On Twitter

Follow these guidelines to beat down some Canadians, 140 characters at a time.

You can almost feel the freedom jumping out of the picture and slapping you in the face!
You can almost feel the freedom jumping out of the picture and slapping you in the face!
Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

Obviously, the US and Canadian teams are on the other side of the world today, so there isn't anything you can do to help the Americans pull off a win over their northern rivals, right?

You can help your fellow Americans claim victory over The Red-&-White-Menace by knowing how to defeat them yourself on your own front: the Twitterverse! That's right, by familiarizing yourself with some basic tools to trash talk and troll, you can be a small part of the game...or at the very least, piss off some incredibly stupid people.

So, in what might be the first of a usual game day post (or maybe just a one-time thing that I forget about after this weekend), here are my Three Keys to achieving victory in your inevitable Twitter war with those Hosers.

1) Insult their "bacon"

Canadian bacon is just ham, only worse. You know it, I know it, and deep down inside, they know it too. Not even Ron Swanson eats Canadian bacon, and he wants All. The bacon & eggs. You have. You can't top bacon in The States, and Canada's attempt to create their own bacon-based identity is almost as funny as those comedians who are born in Canada but who get the fuck out as soon as they're let out of their Degrassi contract. They can pretend it isn't terrible if they want, but ultimately, it's like Canadian Football - you just have to smile and admire their effort.

2) Remind them that they didn't actually "win" The War of 1812

If you remember your American History, or if you've ever interacted with a Canadian on Twitter, you no doubt remember The War of 1812. It's two biggest outcomes were the fact that Britain agreed to recognize American sovereignty - no takesies-backsies this time - and the breakout popularity of General Andrew Jackson, who'd go on to become President, kill a shit ton of Native Americans, & basically turn the White House into Animal House. But it also included an attempted invasion of Canada in hopes that the US could annex it which we still intend to do. I have no idea how that last sentence got there...obviously there isn't a secret plan that every American is fully aware of to invade Ontario during the next Drake concert, where would you even get that idea?

In any case, mostly through extremely poor tactics and over ambition, the American invasion was fought back and no land in the north changed hands. And to this day, Canadians claim they "won" the War of 1812 and wear that "fact" like a badge of honor (only they wear it as a badge of "honour,"). However, anyone who knows anything knows that this is bullshit because A) no territory changed hands, so it was a draw (one in which the Americans led for some time, as western Ontario and Lake Erie were under US control in 1813), and B) Canada wasn't even a country yet, so they didn't "win" a damn thing. It was the British who retained their control over their North American territories, and only once they took a coffee break from fighting Napoleon to even remember that they had a war going on across the pond as well. They become their own country until 1867, and even then it was only because the English allowed them to be.

So the next time a Canadian tells you that they won the War of 1812, remind them that the only thing they won was the right to have The Queen on their money. And they didn't even earn that.

3) Two words: John. Carlson.

American Hero.

They might accuse you of living in the past, but simply remind them that not only have they not won Gold in the biggest annual international tournament in world hockey since this happened - not only that we've won twice since then - but that they haven't even achieved Canadian Gold the last two years.

A tournament Canada basically invented to pad their over all Gold medal totals and now they can't even finish third. It'd be sad if it weren't so fantastic.


Remind them that Shea Weber's slap shot is dribble on a baby's shirt next to how we hopped on a goddamn rocket and went to THE FUCKING MOON. Within a single human lifetime, America went from "Gee, I wish someone could know what it's like to fly up there like the birds," to "Seriously? We're going to the moon again? Whatever."

I hope those are some helpful starting points to help you pwn some Canuck-leheads today.