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Trash Tweeting: The ACTUAL Canuckleheads This Time

Your guide to firing up Vancouver fans, I wish there was a "Vancouver on fire" joke I could make here...oh well.

This guy is sad. Don't be afraid to kick him when he's down.
This guy is sad. Don't be afraid to kick him when he's down.
Rich Lam

The Blues open up their post-Olympic schedule with a three game Pacific road trip. And as if that weren't frightening enough, they'll begin that stretch tonight in Vancouver. Vancouver, CANADA. Now, you've likely never needed extra incentive to dislike the Canucks, as they're one of the most hate-worthy teams in hockey already. In fact, their only redeemable quality is the fact that they piss off the Blackhawks so much. But having to play in Canada after they won Olympic gold? After the US shat the bed like...well, like the Canucks? They'll be all set to "honour" their teams' Gold Medalists, as if Dan Hamhuis or Roberto Luongo had a damn thing to do with Canada wining. So you're going to need to be on your figurative toes tonight to ward off the British Columbians, who presumably are also fans of tea and hippos bought with cocaine money. So here are your Three Keys to handling the few Vancouver fans who won't be high as fuck during tonight's battle. (As for the ones that are, maybe if you're nice to them they'll puff-puff-pass. But probably not, because they might be Canadians, but they're also greedy West Coasters who don't politely share things like pot, Olympic goals, and sci-fi TV show filming locations.)

1. Bryan Adams isn't just Canadian - he's from Vancouver.

First things first: your initial instinct will probably be to make a riot joke. If at all possible, avoid this inclination. The riots were a black eye on the city and in the grey area of things you might not want to mention - especially since they aren't fucking Montreal where they do it every damn year. By all means, bring up the Bruins series, but stay away from the aftermath. Instead, start with an even bigger black eye on Vancouver: Bryan goddamn Adams.

Don't let the fact tat he was born in Ontario fool you, he's Vancouver through and through. A St. Louisian gave birth to rock & roll, and a Vancouverite killed it. I don't know how to put it any clearer than that.

2. Vancouver is expensive as shit.

Vancouver is not only the most expensive city to live in in North America, housing in Vancouver is the 2nd most expensive in the world behind Hong Kong. So be sure to point out that St. Louis is among the most affordable. So living in The Gateway City (assuming you do) allows you to afford shit, like awesome monuments that don't look like a 6th grader's bullshit art class project or jerseys that don't suck donkey nuts and change every five minutes.

3. What the fuck is up with that whale thing?

Last time I checked, a "Canuck" was a slang term (originally even a slur) for a Canadian citizen. What the shit does that have to do with killer whales? The official provincial mammal of BC is something called a "spirit bear," so I assume it's an imaginary animal, but more importantly, is not a fucking whale. If you want your team's identity to be The Killer Whales, then by all means do so and change the name - or better yet, you should've named your team that in the first fucking place, since your team predated Hartford's WHA franchise by two full years. Trying to steal another established team's identity? How very Canadian of you.


...then go for the riot angle. It's the kind of trump card you want to keep in your back pocket as long as possible. After all, you're just trying to trash talk some dude on Twitter or at a bar, not be a straight up asshole. But if they keep coming back at you, go for the jugular. They'll likely either A) shut the fuck up or B) get even louder and aggressive, in which case it's time to hit the block button or just pick up your beer and move tables.