Almighty Hockey Gods, Lords of Ice and Steel, we come before you this day in abject humility and utmost supplication, with open hearts and bowed heads, beseeching the grace and strength of your divinity that somehow, some way, your furious anger may be quenched, that your favor may once again fall on the St. Louis Blues.
We know not what has incited you so, it is not our place to question your infallibility. Know this: we feel your wrath and do take on all responsibilities - secular and otherwise - that may have caused you to turn your faces away from us, for your glories are all encompassing, ere we bathe in the warmth of your benefaction.
You have taken from us half our forwards. You have turned our sticks to brittle chaff. You have given us an Elite Goaltender, only to bless him with the reflexes of overripe cheese. While our hearts were lifted, before us stood the abyss, unbeknownst to even pundits who normally hold your favor, so dark and abscessed has this demise become. We beg your mercy - mercy undeserving and unwarranted, for we only wish to one day nestle in your glorious bosom, free from manic depression, rabid outbursts, and general alcoholism.
Lords, we beseech you - in all things have we hoped to gain your favor, and should we have cursed the Disaster of 1999-2000 or most everything related to Steve Yzerman, we meant no disrespect against your designs. And while we cannot expect to be the sole benefactors of your greatness, it is our hope that one day you would see fit to bless your servants with a sip from your holy chalice. We know full well what sorceries lie behind hubris and vanity; we understand and accept that in no way can an imperfect fanbase merit forgiveness and salvation, yet we lean upon your benevolence and love in the hope that one day we may refresh our parched tongues upon the ambrosia of the leftovers from your table. May this be that day.
It is with open hearts and open minds that we humbly kneel before you, for in your hands we place ourselves and the 2014 postseason. Should it be your design that we play our most hated nemesis in the first round, we embrace our lot, for we know it is of your will. We seek only to harken victorious, spreading the good news of your just, wise and benevolent ways as we do so in your name, free from the persecution and jeers of our enemies who know not your wondrous power. If we have offended you, we beg your attention and forgiveness. We embrace this penance in sackcloth and ashes, determined to endure as the stalwarts of your name, awash in the holiness and beauty of that which is your favor. In this, we one day hope to bathe.
In the name of Orr, LaFleur, and Richard we pray.
Amen and Amen.