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Friday Links: A New Hope

Habs win, Wolves win, Sid will too, and St. Louis gets a new team that might not let us all down emotionally every year but probably will.

By J-Mill
Ezra Shaw

TOP 11 THINGS YOU CAN DO THIS SUMMER TO FORGET ABOUT OUR GODDAMN FAILURE OF A HOCKEY TEAM:

11. Drink.

10. Binge watch Cheers.

9. Binge drink.

8. Thank the Hockey Gods you aren't a Sharks fan.

7. Have meaningfully deep conversations with your family. Drink.

6. Remind yourself that Vladimir Tarasenko is only 22, scored 4 goals in 6 playoff games, and apparently did it with a cast on his thumb (more on that below).

5. Make a trip out to Denver to commiserate together with Avalanche fans over a legally packed bowl or two.

4. Eternal Sunshine this season from your memory.

3. Watch some soccer - it's like hockey on grass, only you get have 11 people on the field at the same time before you get called for Too Many Men. (Also, more on that below as well!)

2. Drink.

1. On second thought, just skip the middleman and mainline some Maker's Mark directly into your veins.

I feel a little better now. Shall we link?

BLUES NEWS:

  • Tarasenko will not be playing for Mother Russia in the IIHF World Championships (aka, the Loser's Bracket) as he's still nursing his right thumb. Team officials even said he wore a cast on his hand during the playoffs - and he was still far and away the best player on the ice for the Blues. God I love this kid! [Belleville News Democrat]
  • Speaking of Frank, fun to mention that his KHL rights have been traded back to Sibir Novosobirsk from SKA St. Petersburg. But worry not, this won't mean anything for a long time...until the next Lockout (so, you know, 3 years from now probably). [Twitter]
  • Speaking of player rights being traded, our old friend Jaroslav Halak has been traded for a 4th round pick to the New York-actually-I-think-now-we-can-officially-call-them-the-Brooklyn Islanders. If they can lock Jerry up before in the next two months, that's a pretty nice steal. [Lighthouse Hockey]
  • Look on the bright side, people: our AHL team is still in the playoffs! Jake Allen shutout the Rochester Americans 4-0 last night, as Adam Cracknell scored twice and notched an assist to boot (little buddy Ty Rattie potted home a score as well) to lead the Wolves to a 2-1 series lead in their best-of-five first round series. Let's go Chica-FUCK GODDAMNIT I KNEW THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!!! [Chicago Wolves]
HOCKEY NEWS:
  • Last night saw the start of easily the most intriguing 2nd round match-up (sorry, LA vs Other LA) as the Bruins and the Canadiens needed 2 overtimes before P.K. Subban ended it with his second goal of the game. The Habs thought it was très magnifique! [Habs Eyes on the Prize]
  • The Bruins thought it was wickid retaht'd. [Stanley Cup of Chowder]
  • Tonight, the Rangers-Penguins and the Wild-Those Fuckers Up NorthTM series will get under way. [NHL.com 5/2]
  • Your Hart Trophy nominees for 2013-14 are Sidney Crosby and two other people who aren't going to win. Specifically Ryan Getzlaf and Claude Giroux. [Pro Hockey Talk]
  • John Tortorella has officially been fired as head coach of the Vancouver Canucks, because a first-year coach with a first year GM with a second-year starting goaltender and a shittier defense than the Jamaican military is exactly what that teams needs to compete in the Pacific division next year. [Pass it to Bulis]
  • The Red Wings made a creepy bobble-head statue of Jimmy Howard, so naturally, a good and upright citizen stole the head off of it. I want to meet this person, shake their hand, and ask them what their 2nd favorite episode of The Simpsons is. [Puck Daddy]
OTHER SHIT:
  • Rejoice, St. Louligans: the fertile crescent of American soccer officially has a pro soccer team to call its own! A USL-Pro franchise will begin play in St. Louis next year as it was announced yesterday. They'll play at Soccer Park out in Fenton, though the colors and even the actual name have yet to be decided. 6 of the last 8 MLS expansion teams have gone to cities with thriving 2nd level franchises, so if you want any hope of an MLS team in St. Louis one day, this is the team to support! [KSDK]
  • It's a bit more complicated than that, but a good way to think about USL-Pro is as the AAA minor league to MLS, as every USL-Pro team (within the next year or two) is either run by or affiliated with an MLS team. Although you may be less than excited about which MLS team St. Louis is rumored to be affiliated with... [Hot Time in Old Town]
  • Sure our Russian friends had a big to-do yesterday over May Day, but in American culture, this is a time of year with very little in the way of major holidays. ([Jewish accent] Unless you consider calling your mother a major holiday - I mean, would it kill ya' once in a while?) But why let that get you down? Here are a list of great holidays to celebrate in May, both national and international! Personally I'm looking forward to May 16th! [Mental_Floss]
  • Here's something about the Kentucky Derby this weekend (next weekend?). I couldn't possibly care less, but if any of you have your mortgages riding on follow horse racing, this might be big news for you. [Yahoo! Sports]
VIDEOS:


I could tell you oh so much about how you should come out and support St. Louis' new soccer team next summer...but why listen to me when you can hear it from Pat McBride, Jon Jay, and whichever member of the Hutt family ate Keith Tkachuk?









Ok, so even for St. Louis fans, soccer is a niche audience. How do I balance that out? With something absolutely everyone loves: fucking Indiana Jones!

...and how shitty he was at his job. (N quite SFW)






Find something awesome on the InterWebs today? Don't pack it away in a crate in a warehouse - IT SHOULD BE IN THE LINKS!

  • jasonmcadams1120 AT gmail DOT com
  • @JMill1120
If all goes according to plan (and I have no idea if it will or not), keep your eyes peeled for the latest episode of Beyond Checkerdome later today. Just in case you wanted to feel that shitty yet again.