For preventing the playoffs for the Blues,
from being a burden on their fans and city,
and for making them beneficial to all involved.
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great city, or travel in the county, when they see the streets, the roads and alleyways littered with unused game seven tickets, followed by rounds two, three, or four, all in tatters, and clogging every sewer and drainage system. These tickets instead of being used for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ their entire existence in abject poverty of purpose, as they age, either to turn yellow for view of sun, or moldy for contact with water, to fight for notice of passersby, or sell themselves to scalpers who are not that bright.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of useless tickets in the mails, or in the pockets, or at the heels of their owners, and frequently of children, is in the present deplorable state of the Blues, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these tickets sound and useful members of the fanbase, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up along Brett Hull Way.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the tickets of the Blues: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of hats and shirts, who are made for the playoffs whereas the Blues are little able to support them, as those who demand our them have long ago been sent home.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years, upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our benefactors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their expectations. It is true, a fan just acquired of tickets, may be supported by his team, for a pair of home games, with little needed scoring: at most not above the work of two players, which Armstong may certainly get, or even from waiver wires, and it is exactly at home game three that I propose to provide for fans with tickets in such a manner, as, instead of being a blot upon the side of the road, or ashes in the pit, or wanting a deep hole in the dump for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the fans, and partly to the enjoyment of thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary resellings, and that horrid practice of Hawk fans filling the area, alas! too frequent among us, sacrificing the fan base for money, I doubt, more to avoid the shame than to gain recompense, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this area being usually reckoned nineteen one and fifty, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred vegetarians; from which i must apologize but they will need to seek relief else-way, (although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the Blues nation) but this being granted, there will remain 18,950 Blues fans. I again subtract two hundred, for those Cardinal fans downtown too early, or perhaps took a left instead of a right. There remains 18,750. The question therefore is, How this number shall be appeased, and provided for? which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither go to game seven; nor root for the Hawks, (I mean the team, not the birds) nor stay in Scottrade until Autumn: we can very seldom pick up our livelihood in the state in which the Blues deposit us back; except where we have jobs of a surly nature, although I confess i have learned the rudiments of surliness much earlier;
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing Maple Leaf fan of my acquaintance in Toronto, that a clean well maintained ticket strip, is, at mere weeks old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust.
I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the 18,750 ticket strips, 7000 be printed on bacon, whereof only one fourth part of that made on Canadian bacon; which is more than we consume during actual games. Furthermore 6000 be printed on full and proper beer tins, with less than 20 of those containing nonalcoholic beer, which, again, is more than is used during the game. 5000 strips be printed on chickens; which I mean of course, the animal not merely the meat. My Maple Leaf friend has suggested we use a Blue Sumatra Chicken for the purpose as they are not only Blue but a graceful fighter, the Tony Twist of poultry. There remains only 750 strips to print and again, as I have discounted both vegetarians and Cardinals fans (which i often can not tell apart) they will not be printed on tofu or crackerjack but rather pork steaks. I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for lowerbowlers.
The only additional need would be for the kindling to ignite the fire fit to feed our hungers. Hence i propose all Blues playoff clothing be dowsed in kerosene before being displayed at the arena, and that upon the final horn on home game two (in even numbered years) or home game three (for other years) the clothing is amassed both the sold and unsold, the clean and unclean, at center ice and those with their strips of tickets join hand-in-hand and, as we have done so many times before, we Blues fans, as one, eat our round two tickets.