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The Blues need Pat Maroon in their life

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NHL: San Jose Sharks at Edmonton Oilers Perry Nelson-USA TODAY Sports

The Blues are having a problem scoring, ladies and gents. In six of their eleven games in December, they have finished with a goal or less. A single goal or a shutout has occurred more than half the time, which doesn’t make for winning ways. They are averaging two goals a game this month, but if you take out the 6-1 barrage in Detroit, it goes down to 1.6. Paul “Shitbreak” from American Pie has a better chance of scoring than these St. Louis Blues.

Instead of whining about the loss of Jaden Schwartz and how we all pray to sweet baby Jesus that Alex Steen would score again, it’s time for Doug Armstrong put that Brayden Schenn daiquiri down and go to work. He needs to find a way to trade for Edmonton Oilers forward, Pat Maroon.

Maroon has nine goals and 10 assists this year for the lowly Oilers, who only need Emilio Estevez as their head coach to look more hideous as an NHL hockey team. The Oilers don’t intend on re-signing Maroon this coming summer, and would like to get something for his services. I’m sure he wants out of there.

How about the price? Maroon only makes 2.1 million dollars this season to contribute more than Steen can dream about right now. He scored his ninth goal three days ago. He’s an unrestricted free agent after this season, which does make him a rental, but one the Blues should do what it takes to acquire.

The days where injuries, only decent goaltending, and poor special teams didn’t stop the Blues from winning is over. They need a boost. The kind of surge that Paul Stastny and Steen aren’t giving them right now. With Vladimir Tarasenko looking more human this month and Schenn putting away his “score every other game” stick for the time being, the goal output has hit a brick wall.

Maroon would like Cousin Eddie right now when your team needs a boss kidnapped on Christmas night. He’s the depth that the injury riddled St. Louis team desperately desires.

Did I mention he’s from St. Louis? David Freese isn’t the only neighborhood sports hero. Maroon grew up in Oakville, attending the high school and becoming a true Tiger. He got his start here, so why not return the ride to its rightful home. He’s eaten Imo’s Pizza, knows where the Cardinals play, and probably favors Interstate 64 over Interstate 44. He’s one of us, so I bet he’d like to come home and wear a different blue sweater.

Did I mention he hits people a lot on the ice? Maroon registered 181 hits (the ones they actually counted) in 2016-17, and already has 81 this season in less than half a season. When he isn’t scoring goals, he’s throwing his 225 pound frame around the ice like an misfit, unfed linebacker.

The Blues needed Maroon last month. They badly need him this month. He comes cheap, produces a high rate, and will give this team an edge. And did you miss this video a year ago where he broke down talking about missing his kid on road trips?

Damn, someone must have sliced a red onion or the dust really kicked up. Give me a second.

Pat would really like to come home, score goals in front of his son, and see him more often. Did you hear that, Doug Armstrong?

Acquiring Maroon works out whether he helps the team to the Stanley Cup playoffs or not. He is like a poor man’s David Backes. Let’s bring him home. It almost makes too much sense that even Doug can’t fuck it up.

Thanks for reading and Merry Fucking Christmas, everyone. Buy more bourbon.