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Let’s play hockey: a definitive* list of St. Louis Blues toys

*it’s not really definitive but I tried.

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The face that made little girls fall in love with T. J. Oshie.

We’ve hit that point in the season: there is no season. Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do but sit and wallow in our annual loss. I wanted to take a different tack, and look at something that sucks people into being fans of this team at an early age: toys. Little kids are impressionable suckers (and so are adults. See: Groot, Baby) and buying them toys of your favorite sports teams are a way to solidify your tyke’s fandom from a very early age.

I mean, I had not one but two stuffed Fredbirds as a kid, and look at me now. An adult with a Fredbird hand sanitizer pump and an Ozzie Smith action figure on their desk at work. And sure - toys aren’t just for kids (ask my bobbleheads about that), but oftentimes they’re a child’s first foray into sports fandom.

Just a quick disclaimer: although sources for the toys are listed (and sometimes they might be links to a website at which you can purchase them), I didn’t make any scratch off of this. I’m bored, and we all need gift ideas. Right?

1. Vladimir Tarasenko Bleacher Creatures Plush

Li’l Vladdy: bucket of parts not included

The T.J. Oshie featured as the header image in the article isn’t produced anymore; he’s been replaced by Vladimir Tarasenko. Li’l Teej resembled the real life version. Li’l Vladdy is... he is wearing the correct jersey. Come to think of it, he kind of looks like a potato.

2. Oyo Sports’ St. Louis Blues Line

Well, everyone wanted him to wear pants.

They’re not quite LEGOs, but they probably still hurt when you step on them. The OYO line has a full array of sets to choose from, including a Blues rink, Zamboni, and a now sadly outdated team locker room with it’s own Ken Hitchcock! You can choose the full rink set to carry out your own version of Scottrade renovations, or you can choose the backyard rink and add to the realism with a Robby Fabbri Winter Classic minifig! Go on and recreate your own fantasy Blues season/LEGO Movie mashup in which, for once, everything is awesome.

3. Playmobil St. Louis Blues Figures:

Halak’s back?

I’m not going to lie. When I was a kid, I didn’t enjoy LEGOs. I have terrible spatial ability and have no interest in building things unless they wind up looking 110% like the picture on the box. My LEGO assemblies never looked like the box. I liked the cheerful, European styled, and larger figures of the Playmobil playsets. These little guys look great on a desk or in your kids’ playsets. Pair one with a hospital playset and re-enact Vladimir Tarasenko’s mystery off-season surgery!

4. St. Louis Blues Dome Bubble Hockey

Yeah, it’s $2199, but admit it: you kinda want it.

5. St Louis Blues Beanie Ballz Plush

You ok, buddy?

I have a Cardinals one of these. For some reason, he doesn’t have the same haunted, glazed “I’ve seen some stuff and some things, man” look on his face. I bet he’s fun for kids to throw around, though. Maybe that’s where that look comes from.

Certainly it’s not from being a Blues fan.

6. St Louis Blues NHL BRXLZ 3D Construction Puzzle Set

What’s worse - the pain of stepping on a piece or the pain of the postseason?

Pretend you’re Doug Armstrong and try to assemble the team with generally affordable pieces!

7. St Louis Blues NHL Three 3 Way Spinners Fidget Toy Finger Spinner

Yeah! Let’s turn a legit tool for kids with attention problems into an obnoxious fad!

How is this only on pre-order? God, one would’ve come in handy for the playoffs. If you order one for your kid now, it should arrive in time to piss off your child’s teacher come August.

8. Franklin Sports NHL St. Louis Blues Mini Hockey 2 Piece Player Stick Set

Finally, something I can’t make fun of, because I would’ve killed for this when I was a kid. As it stands, I taped two rulers together and used a wadded up ball of paper.

I also walked uphill to school both ways every day.

Get off my lawn.