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In a world...where Steve Ott is head coach of the St. Louis Blues

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St Louis Blues v Dallas Stars Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Calm down before you blast me for the title. Today isn’t ginger-haired former player day, but I want to have some fun, because everyone is getting so serious due to the Blues’ 5-5-3 start and the election on Tuesday.

No, I am not a St. Louis Blues Lounge trade arsonist. I learned my lesson when I wanted the Blues to trade Anton Andersson.

All I am really is a dog chasing cars. If I ever catch up to one, I have no clue what I’ll do.

Since I am film critic and you are still reading this article, let’s imagine a world where Mike Yeo is fired (YAY!) and assistant to the whatever Steve Ott is promoted to head coach.

First, Twitter would literally burn. Your thumb would suffer third degree burns. The armchair GMs would be fired up and the casual fans would shake their heads. Threads on Facebook would extend deeply into the night. Art Lippo would take his pants off at some point and a literal Travolta GIF would appear across The Arch.

Second, the postgamers would be gold. Yeo is kind of dull and doesn’t give much. He sounds like John Candy in the National Lampoon’s flick. Sullen and sad. Ott would just tell people this guy played like crap, and this other guy needs to be better. He’d deliver audio gold.

Third, there would be a fair chance Ott would chirp the other head coach during a game. He’d yell at refs, say bad things to fans, and probably loosen the tie during the first five minutes before being in full uniform by the third period. OTT WOULD BRING BACK THE PLAYER-COACH IDEA. He’d crack that uncanny smirk minutes into the game, and could cause a player on the ice to snap, jump over the Blues bench, and get a five minute major.

Fourth, it would just be an enlivening idea for such a disappointing hockey team. Don’t think of it as long term. Joel Quenneville will probably take the rest of the year off, collect his check, and reload before deciding. The Blues can start courting him and turn Ott loose. The season wouldn’t be lost. What if Ott, who played in the NHL for a long time and has a way with players, had some ideas up his sleeve that he’s cooked up with Doug Armstrong? You never know, because you aren’t a genius like the Towel Guy.

~In other news, Robert Thomas should stay with the team. It’s a no brainer. Unleash his talent more and more, and see where it goes. The more minutes he gets, the more freakish his play could get. It can only help this team.

~Here’s the question no one is asking: Can Bryce Harper play defense for the Blues? Dynamite journalism happening right here.

~Chad Johnson played well on Tuesday, earned another start, but pump your brakes on crowning him the new Hutton-Moose. We aren’t there yet.

~Sitting Jay Bouwmeester again makes too much sense.

~Tomorrow night, you should buy a St. Louis Game Time paper. This should be a common occurrence for your home game attendance, but this time, I’ll be selling outside Enterprise Center. Screaming at fans about a fan-made paper just for them with curse words, humor, and real insight located inside. Instead of buying a Pumpkin Spiced Latte, buy a Gametime Paper.

That’s all. Good morning.