5 things the Blues need to do tonight to bury the Blackhawks

“It’d be nice to see them (the Blues) miss the playoffs. So it would be nice to have a hand in that.”

If that Patrick Kane quote taken by the Chicago Sun Times isn’t reason enough for the Blues to take the ice tonight and beat the living shit out of the Chicago Blackhawks, I’m not sure what is.

As the wise one, Mr. Blues Hat, said on twitter in response to his quote, it wouldn’t be the first time Kane had his hand in a place where it wasn’t exactly desired.

Here’s the thing: fuck Patrick Kane. He looks like the weasel millennial who gets bitch-slapped by the bouncer for trying to get into an adult bar. He’s the fungus on the bottom of the male shoe trying to pass off as masculine. He’s the punchline for women across the country. The meaning on the female monopoly board that reads, “do NOT pass go or collect anything.”

When the Blues took out the Blackhawks two years ago in the playoffs, the best part was seeing Kane’s limp-wristed expression during the handshakes, looking like a kid who lost his Halloween candy.

It’s quite simple. The Blues can’t afford to lose tonight. Take one look at the standings and this much is clear: if the Blues beat Chicago tonight and Friday while getting at least a point from Colorado, they are in the playoffs. The Avalanche play two more games, including the finale against the Blues. If the Blues collect just five of six points and Colorado only gets 3, the Blues’ 97 points would prevail. The Avalanche could lose to the San Jose Sharks tomorrow and make the task for the Blues really very easy, but I doubt that with the luck of St. Louis.

Having said all that and bored you halfway to death, here are the five things the Blues need to do in order to bury their rivals.

5) For the love of god, please get Vladimir Tarasenko off the point on power plays. It just makes no sense. He roves to the top of the blue line with the advantage, but the dude doesn’t take slapshots. Keep him down low next to the net so he can use those slick hands and pick up a rebound. Or move him off to the side so he can fire a short-side wrist shot or set someone else up. The power play ranks 30th in the league. Shake it the fuck up.

4) Score first and second tonight. That’s right. You have to get the first two goals tonight and take the Hawks out of it. Make Joel Quenneville grab his crotch, break a clipboard, or punch an assistant coach. Get the momentum early. They got up 1-0 against Washington and lost, but a 2-0 lead against the lowly Chicago team will do wonders.

3) Tell Colton Parayko to smash things. The young Swede has the hands of an angel and shot still in buffering mode, but I do wish he’d get more physical. It’s okay to introduce a little Brent Seabrook into Parayko’s game. Stop this Mr. Rogers shit and get ruthless. One wishes that Chris Pronger would take Parayko on the practice rink and slap him around. Prongs could be the Gary Cole in Talletega Nights to Ricky Bobby. He’s one step away from being a premier NHL defenseman who could contend for all the awards.

3a) Put Parayko and Joel Edmundson back together. You had finesse and grit with offensive firepower coming off each stick there.

2) Punch Patrick Kane in the mouth whenever the chance presents itself. Let Chris Thorburn do it.

1) Show up for Jake Allen. A polarizing topic this season has been the team playing like dog shit at times in front of Allen. While I don’t completely buy into the concept, I will admit that it’s best served for the team for the goaltender’s head to be in the right place at all times. Cut down on the odd-man rushes and clean up your forechecking, fellas. Give Allen a shot to shut down the Hawks.

Did I mention punching Kane? Yep. Good.

One more thing. Tell Alex Steen to get in front of the net and scoop up rebounds with those silky smooth soft hands. Make yourself useful, old man.

That’s all I got. It’s a widely known and overused cliche in sports talk, but the Blues do control their destiny. They don’t have to scoreboard watch as long as they take care of business. Do they have it handled? We shall see.

Before I go, I’ll tell you to buy the St. Louis Game Time paper tonight. You can get it in front of Scottrade from three vendors or send an email to gtbradlee@gmail.com for a copy. 28 pages of juicy content for just four dollars. It beats any other Blues coverage in town or on the web.

Thanks for reading and please buy more bourbon.