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Please hand me a violin so I can play for the Boston Bruins

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Shut up and play hockey, babies

NHL: Stanley Cup Final-Boston Bruins at St. Louis Blues Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, those poor Bruins. Sometimes I wonder how much cry can actually fit into a baby. I never thought I’d think about it with professional hockey players, yet we are talking about Boston whining about the officiating heading into Game 5 tonight.

After finding out the St. Louis Blues aren’t just another team to run over, aka Columbus or Carolina, the Bruins have taken to Woke Mountain the past two days to complain about the officiating holding court in the St. Louis end. Are these guys on powerful drugs or what?

Head Coach Bruce Cassidy referenced the Blues being inspired by chipping away at the Bruins’ health. As in, Zdeno Chara deflecting a Brayden Schenn shot up into his jaw, causing a bloody chin and supposed fracture. Cassidy must have missed Chara pushing Carl Gunnarsson into the boards rather aggressively earlier in the series. He must have missed Chara punching Pat Maroon after the whistle was blown near the net. He must have missed David “Old Buffalo Head” Backes using Jordan Binnington’s knee as a crutch.

For fucks sake, get me a violin so I can play it for these poor, sad Bruins. You are the ones who got Denis Leary to grope the Stanley Cup while yammering on about legacy and shit before the first puck drop, and then you failed to use a Game 3 beatdown as a springboard to take control of the series. It turns out, beating the Blues isn’t as easy as the Boston bean slinging crew thought, so they have to cry about the refs favoring the Blues.

If it’s one thing I hate in sports, it’s head coaches or players making excuses for playing a bad game. You would think that grown ass men wouldn’t resort to this, but then again, all you have to do is check out Twitter for five seconds to understand age doesn’t efficiently deconstruct stupidity in this day and age.

If Cassidy truly thinks the referees are doing the Blues any favors, he should check the penalty totals for the series, specifically that Game 3 in St. Louis. Look at those power plays.

Bruins fans are as emotional as a Real Housewife about this sudden decay in the health of their players’ ability to skate properly and not deflect pucks into their own faces. You look left or right on Twitter and see the sirens from Whineville for days. Their memory must have shorted out.

The Bruins, after all, got justice for Oskar Sundqvist’s “dirty” hit on Bruins defenseman Matt Grzelcyk. The Blues’ secret weapon was suspended for Game 4, taking away a vital component from St. Louis, leading to the special teams frenzy for Boston. Now, after Game 4 sees their big defenseman deflect a puck into his face, the Blues are the true vigilantes.

Maybe Boston is just following the lead of Barstool Sports leader, David Portnoy. He made a huge fuss about taking a rally towel to the head after Ryan O’Reilly’s game-winning goal on Monday night. After walking around St. Louis eating our pizza and trying our ice cream, acting like a poor man’s Anthony fucking Bourdain, he cried a river about taking a towel to the head. Act or not, it came off as an extended episode of overly tan Boss Baby being butt-hurt on the internet. He also said “Bruins in 5,” which obviously isn’t happening.

Look, Dave, I have been hit with stuff at a sporting event, bumped into hard while walking out, and had a collision with a rival fan. I didn’t need an apology or confession. People get amped up, just like you. It happens, especially at a LOUD PLAYOFF HOCKEY GAME. You whine about as poorly as Bruce. By the way, next time, go to Dewey’s Pizza, Pizzeria Tivoli, or Cafe Piazza instead of Pi. I mean, come on. There’s plenty of jewels for our city to offer, but don’t act like you are saving us by visiting.

Maybe Boston is spoiled by all those championships. I mean, the ones that aren’t tainted by stolen videos and stuff. You know, the old adage holds true. A bully is loud until they are punched in the mouth. It silences them, teaching them a lesson to never bark louder than you can bite.

The Blues have punched the Bruins in the mouth, taking a tied up series into a pivotal Game 5. Boston is banged up, but then again, so are the Blues. It’s June. Everybody is hurting.

I never thought I’d say this, but the Blues are climbing inside the head of Boston and their fans.

Let’s just not stoop to complaining about refs. They are wildly inconsistent for both sides. It’s been going on for years. It wasn’t like you lost on a hand pass or anything, Boston. Get over yourselves.

And prepare to lose tonight ... and on Sunday.

Thanks for reading. I’ll put this violin away for now.