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Blues at Hurricanes Preview: Imagining a world where Joel Edmundson’s beard saved civilization

NHL: Carolina Hurricanes at St. Louis Blues Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

The St. Louis Blues will take the ice with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” playing in the background, thanks to their former employee.

Thanks to Joel Edmundson’s ginger beard karate, the coronavirus was knocked out. Seriously, the former Blue walked out into the middle of the street, shotgunned a Bud Light, and whipped his head across the air, cutting down the deadly virus and ending the pandemic.

While he may not have been a perfect Blue during his tenure in St. Louis, Edmundson now gets a key to the city and a highway named after him in every city across the world. When asked what it feels like to be a Stanley Cup Champion and People’s Champion, the young man was dumbfounded and hesitated before he responded. “All I did was go outside to take out the trash and I heard a noise, which led to the turn of my head so quickly in one direction,” he said.

Beard karate wasn’t on the CDC’s agenda, but it did actually show up on Donald Trump’s “how to fight coronavirus” list. Trump said it was the best words on the best list with the best possible athlete to carry out the job. When a Washington, D.C. reporter asked him about the viability of Joe Thornton’s beard saving the world, Trump gave a frank answer: “He’s too old, too needy, and his beard has expired. There’s just no karate left in that face.”

You see, it’s not the length or years in the beard, according to NHL specialists who know what beards have looks that could kill; it’s the overall sleek nature of the hair. Edmundson’s beard is stocked heavily in ginger and has the right sharp-looking length to sneak up on a virus and strike it down.

Being a Stanley Cup Champion helped out, according to specialists familiar with beard-saving measures. Unlike Jamie Benn-who never goes down far or long enough to take out a virus-or Thornton, the world needed someone who had drank alcohol from Lord Stanley’s Cup for at least 48 hours straight. But how? Game Time reached out to a local couple who had watched “National Treasure” at least ten times, and they related it to unlocking a code that triggers the heroism in someone’s beard. It takes lots of beer to get there and it can’t be done at a simple playoff series win celebration. A player needs 16 wins to unlock this code.

There’s also the nearly unknown fact that Edmundson is a descendant of the great warrior from Delta Force 1, 2 and 27 himself: Chuck Norris. In order to understand exactly how to take down such a deadly virus, Edmundson had to make the pilgrimage to Norris’ self-made hut located in the far corner of Asia. Once there, the two discovered, in a montage set to “Hearts on Fire,” how to defeat the world’s common foe. It wasn’t easy, but Norris leaned on his multiple cinema tough guy experiences to figure it out.

Once back in the states, Edmundson had to be sneaky with his weapon. He couldn’t act like he was trying to hunt it down. But once he was out in that street, the nemesis revealed itself.

Before he was done, Edmundson also “took care” of those spring breakers in Florida.

Look, when the Blues traded Edmundson for Justin Faulk, I was happy. Comparing the player’s careers, one could see the plus-side for the Blues. But what St. Louis got is the love child of Ben Stiller and the lead singer of the Struts; what they lost was a world hero.

We miss you, Joel. Thanks for saving the world and stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, the idea here was to laugh, so I hope you did at least once.

Day 8 without sports. We’re hanging in.